No title …

It’s been a while since I posted as I’ve been suffering with real bad health. Just before this I had entered into my first serious relationship after 14 years of being alone. There are times when relationships are good & there are times when they are not so good. I’ve just discovered today that my partner feels it’s not so good. So we had the talk of where it all goes now. He decided that time out is a good thing so he has gone off to his folks then to a football match. So here I am numb, thinking of what I could do to fill these hours. Now that’s where my illness doesn’t help you see I suffer with chronic fatigue don’t know how or why it started but got diagnosed last year. This hasn’t exactly helped in the relationship and this is actually stopping me from getting in my car to take myself off somewhere. I’m recovering from a flare up where I’ve been trapped in my own body & mind. It has stopped me from doing what I really enjoy & makes me make choices about my life using a ridged balance method. 
I have found that it affects my work & people around me. You see I look fine, you can’t see when I’m struggling & people just think it’s over tiredness but it’s more than that, every fibre in my body hurts then shuts down. My mind races or becomes a complete foggy mess. It affects me mentally & physically, it affects me as a whole person. Even now I can’t explain how it truly feels as it feels as though it might tangle my mind & body to such a extent I might just slide out of consciousness at anytime. I have read so much research with so little advice because it’s so unknown. I am discovering new ways of handling it, but I’m still in hope that one day it will go just as it just came on with no reason. As for my relationship maybe that will just end up the same it came & now it’s gone. 

Don’t judge a book by it’s cover …


Shiver me timbers! 

Harvard university’s library holds a book binded of human skin. It was stumbled on by the strange looking leather cover…

In 2014, Harvard’s Houghton Library confirmed a book in its collection, Des destinées de l’ame by Arsène Houssaye was bound in human skin. It has been tested and 99% confident it is of human origin.

A rather morbid inscription on the inside of the book reads…

This book is bound in human skin parchment on which no ornament has been stamped to preserve its elegance. By looking carefully you easily distinguish the pores of the skin. A book about the human soul deserved to have a human covering: I had kept this piece of human skin taken from the back of a woman. It is interesting to see the different aspects that change this skin according to the method of preparation to which it is subjected. Compare for example with the small volume I have in my library, Sever. Pinaeus de Virginitatis notiswhich is also bound in human skin but tanned with sumac.

It was popular during the 17th century to bind books with human & animal skin, but has been found as early as 13th century on a French Bible.

It’s referred to as Anthropodermic bibliopegy and when it came to anatomical textbooks it proved common to use skin. Even medical  professionals would often use the flesh of a corpse they’d dissected during their research.

If you visit the library you can actually see the human flesh book … Apparently quite a few library’s have flesh covered books … 

‘Coming to a library near you!’

Yikes It’s enough to make your flesh crawl! 

Live life …

I have had some time to really figure out some stuff about myself. I think because of my new life journey, leaving religion, finding me, I’ve been looking for validation from others. Now I know that this is natural in us all but I think it may have become unhealthy for me. You see I have a slight addictive nature, one that can become easy addictive to things. I try hard not to get into routines as I know over time I will get use to these it will mess with my head. Years ago I suffered with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) which I managed with professional help to break away from. However I am acutely aware that at any times of anxiety periods this may take root. I am finding that though religion caused many issues for me, I also have some issues resurfacing from when I was younger. 

Religion suppressed any of these now I’m finding I have to face them head on. I find it’s a battle that makes me weak at times. I also find that I may seem so freaky to others but never the less it is something that I have to face and work through. 

I live quite a lonely life when I say that I am not looking for sympathy it is a fact. I can become emotional about this at times because there are times when I just need someone to hold me, someone to just say I care, I love you but this rarely happens. 

Today is a day where I don’t want to reflect. I am fed up of going through an emotional roller coaster …

I want to start living my life instead of just existing!

Free ebooks anyone? …

For all you Bookworms out there that use technology to read the written word, pop along to the website called ‘BookBub’.

It is free to join and you get daily emails with the latest freebies. 

So what are you waiting for get yourself signed up for Free ebooks on kindle, nook, iPad & android. 

Ps … pass it on to other bookworms!!! 🙂

Pps … yes I prefer paperbacks to sniff & feel too but it’s handy to have a book or two on my mobile for times of emergency!!!

Fresh day …

The birds woke me up today with their beautiful good morning song.

I felt the warmth of the sunshine on my face through the curtains. 

It was light, my eyes seemed to sparkle and my lips turned into a smile. 

I seem to be uplifted, more able to spring out of bed. 

It’s a fresh new day.

The SAD syndrome now seems to be fading away.

I feel more ready to discover life.

I feel something has clicked inside of me, I hope this is it, not a false hope …

The start of the real me, remind myself religion has completely gone, no more hold over me, no more battles.

Turning my inside into pure joy rejecting the rubbish as much as I can.

It’s time to live completely free.

Creative minds …

Trying to still the mind is at times like trying to tame a wild lion. 

I have times when I try to balance my thoughts and my feelings only for them to come crashing forward with power like the ocean beating against the rocks. 

Minds are amazing things but they can work against you at times. Have you noticed how creative people suffer with their mind, it’s almost as if creativity comes hand in hand with a wild mind.

The mind can be so exciting feeding and releasing wonderful creative things, but the mind can also trigger darkness. The mind plus outside influences can be a recipe for disaster at times.

I have been studying the mind and the unconscious part of the brain is in constant conflict with the conscious part of the brain, this is meant to bring harmony but in certain types of people it brings anxiety as the unconscious part just can’t handle reality. If you imagine most creative people are deep thinkers some may even be considered day dreamers, they usually display roller coaster of emotions, dark and light moments and even prone to depression. Your best creative moments don’t stop in the dark times, it’s usually your functioning that gets affected. You bring forth defence mechanisms, you notice that you are not the same as others they seem to effortlessly go through life. You seem to have to endlessly battle with yourself. 

It is of comfort to know that we are not the only ones famous artists, writers, musicians, psychologists etc have all suffered in their lives too. 

It has been medically proven that if you meditate this can help bring some balance, but this too depends on the person to what degree.

Is there really an answer I’m unsure maybe just knowing and accepting that you are this type will release some of the torment, being thankful for the creativity that comes from this powerful mind. The mind is totally mind blowing from what I have discovered it can be rewired to a certain degree but this requires knowledge and respect, finding out how it functions plus time, we have wonderful clever people doing studies on the brain as you read this. They are discovering so much more about the brain how it can shrink, grow, how parts can become more dominate … Absolutely Amazing!